i dunno since when did i acquire the quirk of being objectionable to anybody having negative emotions to another but i just realized i have it. that makes me one too since im upset with them.
the rationale i give for being upset is that we are so ignorant to how our emotions, thoughts and beliefs tick that we become upset unnecessarily. i make one important assumption. that is that the real truth or at least a certain accurate interpretation of reality would remove all these emotional baggage from anyone who grasp it. We no longer react to anything negatively because we have seen what they really are and what happened are mostly what it is meant to be. and perhaps i would understand the real root and nature of all the sins such as anger, jealousy, greed...
my unhappiness is the general unwillingness to go on this search to liberate oneself of this burden at all. so the pain that they suffer they would always bring it around and pass it on to someone else. this vicious cycle just adds more suffering globally. at least this point i understand. that we are not isolated and we are affected by those around us so we have to help ourselves to stop spreading the suffering and then help them stop theirs. that is my shallow understanding of the buddhist stand point that there is no seperation between you and i.
so why am i unhappy? is it because i think others don't appreciate my endeavor? i guess so. more so than they are going to spread the unhappiness. i think i might just have a pride issue here. a long time ago i wanted to be a man above most in terms of wisdom and knowledge and this is ego driven because of my own inferiority complex. i soon found that it is really hard but it is still worth pursuing since it liberates myself. but i am always caught up with the debate as to what is the wise way of spending your life.
i obviously think that the analyzed life is the one to break free of these chains but that means i am forever stuck in my own thoughts while others who arent even trying at all lead much better life than me. am i the foolish one who refused to just live a plain life with all my imperfect understanding of ourselves, nature, our psychology and many things that we ought to understand before we can see the world as it is that is not going to cause suffering to myself?
how can we possibly gain wisdom without analyzing the very event that is going on in front of us? am i wrong to want to analyze that much? am i the dense one that desperately need someone that i think is foolish to help me out of the well? am i too proud now that i'm slightly awakened to the truth that i think everyone is behind me when in fact i might still be the last in class.
