Previous two publishing is not really complete. I just saw them being drafts from 2011 that were never published properly so I barely edited them before pushing them out
I used to write in a blog in my teenage years on another platform. Can't really remember which was it but it was mostly an avenue for venting my frustrations so it could be so embarrassing to read.
I am aware that my writing is far from perfect. The flow is weird and jumping between multiple ideas happens all the time. I can ramble on without really making any point at all, that reflects the state of my mind and how my thoughts appear to me. It's an incoherent mess. It sounds weird because I do not feel like I am talking to an audience since I have none so far, I am talking to myself.
Also because of some past trauma, I am acutely self conscious about my writing. I enjoy writing fiction as much as discussing bout ideas / concepts that intrigued me but to put it in the public for scrutiny, I wonder how anyone does it. So I have really stopped talking to myself consciously like that, my subconscious is not really verbal but thoughts do get repeated. I know because these subconscious whispers that are are punishing enough to float into consciousness had shaped me to who I am today.
I read before that every 7 years, our body would have completely replaced every single cell in the body. So by that logic, we are reborn every 7 years. I am no longer the person that was writing in those previous entries. Yet there is continuity, I still think similarly, like similar things. It is a hanging onto my self that keeps a personality intact.
Just glancing through the previous writings I cannot say I like who I was. I still do not like who I am. But the pain of not being known feels greater than being known and judged. So here I am once again trying to write again. Hoping to be more articulate them my old self in expressing myself. Hoping to find an original idea out of the thousands of ideas that had came to me deep in the middle of sleepless nights.
I think I also have the fear that one day whatever I put online that links to my online identity can be used against me. Knowing my inner most psyche could possibly work to manipulate me into doing something I do not want. Therefore I have chose to change to a pseudo-name
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